The Odd Number, Specifically 9

Let’s be real, everyone either favors even numbers or odd numbers. Personally, I have always gravitated more towards even numbers. I’m not exactly sure why, but is anyone really sure why? I know I like writing even numbers better (maybe because I’m aware I hold a pencil weird.) And as silly as it seems, I even think they just look nicer when written down. But at the end of the day, I’m aware it’s ridiculous to even choose sides over this. However, in my parenting experience, I have noticed my oldest daughter Hailey and I seem to have an easier time during her milestones when her age coincides with an even number. Coincidence? I think not! And now that she’s turned 9, let’s just say things have been tough.

I think it’s absurd I even have to say this, but considering the world we live in now it seems viable. Please don’t sit here twisting my words and getting the wrong idea about this post. I love being a mom. I firmly believe it’s what I was born to do. While most girls growing up wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, I simply wanted to be a mom. Having both of my babies has completely changed and shaped me for the better. I wouldn’t be who I am now without them. So, with that being said, please also don’t leave any negative mom shaming comments. They’re really just unnecessary and rude. We are all going through something and/or have different parenting styles. This is just my personal outlet. Find your own and just stop the mom shaming.

Moving on…

When Hailey turned 9 in July I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect. On top of her getting older (obvs) and going into fourth grade; it was also our first summer together transitioning myself into being a stay at home mom and her still being a new big sister. All being MAJOR adjustments not only for her (and any kid really) but even our family. She has always been one to LOVE going to school, so luckily that wasn’t a huge concern of mine. It was more so the challenges of going into a higher grade, having a new teacher and making new friends; all while balancing our home life that had changed indefinitely.

It wasn’t until about a week before school was supposed to start that I really noticed a difference in her behavior. We had just recieved notice of who her teacher was going to be. Which, as parents, we know this can go one of two ways. Well this went exactly the way you don’t want this particular situation to go. She immediately FLIPPED and started crying hysterically. Now, while I am all for a child express their feelings, I felt like she was old enough to handle this particular scenario a little better. However, I still just simply asked her to talk to me when she calmed down. About thirty minutes later….she was finally calm. (Five or nine?)

This is when I knew her new age was going to come with new challenges. My daughter, my little angel (we all think that as parents ha), who has never had a problem telling me what was making her upset/mad before, was turning into a closed book. BASICALLY MY WORST NIGHTMARE. I need to talk everything out!!! But this time around, when I asked the next appropriate question at hand, Hailey instantly shut me out. It went a little something like this…

Mom: “OMG HAILEY! WE GOT YOUR TEACHER!!!!” (In the most excited fashion)
Hailey: “OMG WE DID?!? WHO?!?!?” (Also excited…)
Mom: “You got *blank*.” (I am choosing not to disclose his name. Honestly it’s irrelevant towards her outlandish reaction… and simply inappropriate without his permission.)
Hailey: “OMG!!! MOM!!! ARE YOU KIDDING!!!?!??! NO!!! MOM! NO! MOM!!!! I DON’T WANT *BLANK*” (While crying and screaming at me, as if I work at the board of education and was out to get her)
Mom: “Hailey, why don’t you want *blank* as your teacher?”
Hailey: “Because I just don’t.”
Mom: “Okay…. but why? Did someone else have *blank* and tell you something? Have you personally seen *blank* be mean or unfair to another child before?”
Hailey: “No.”
Mom: “Okay… well… I am going to need a little more information, maybe even some examples, on why you don’t think *blank* is going to be a good fit for you this year.”
Hailey: “BECAUSE I JUST DON’T!!!!!” … she most definitely said enraged….
Mom: “Well, unfortunately kid that isn’t a good enough reason for me to call the school and complain about *blank* when you have nothing to back you up…”
Hailey: “FINE.”

Productive right? No. Like I said before, she was NEVER like that in the past… I felt as a mother… defeated. Obviously when your child is upset, the first thing you want is to help them. You don’t want them walking in to any situation scared or forced. Especially SCHOOL because they will not be as productive as you know they could be. Plus, you also know pushing them to their limit during a conversation won’t get you anywhere. Which is why I ended it where it did. Long story short, I ended up turning it around with having her meet her teacher during open house and telling her the names of the other students who would be with her. Guess who was right? Duh, me. Guess who loves having *blank* as a teacher? Hailey.

Then as school went on, it just seemed like things started to spiral out of control. Any other moms out there just feel like their kids are actually dictators in your house? I mean… it’s not our fault. We just try to keep the peace as much as possible. Then sometimes, and I can’t speak for other parents when I say this, but personally I’m just like…. okay man you win. hahaha. I would pick her up after school and ask her about her day and she would instantly have an attitude. So naturally, I just stopped asking that particular question. Instead I started asking her if she had any homework and then I would get a snarky comment back like, “I don’t need to be reminded.” So I moved on from that question as well. Eventually I just stopped asking ALL questions and just told her I missed her all day, or let her speak to me first.

After school, when we would get back home, I started catching on to other behavior changes as well. She would get all her homework done, we would check it together and that was the easy part. The part I look forward to everyday. Then she would want to unwind and watch some TV. Which I totally understand, she knows I monitor her screen time, so no big right? Right. The issue however, was her refusal to interact or listen to anyone else while the TV was turned on. Something as simple as me asking her to feed the dogs (several times might I add) would completely go over her head and I’d here those famous words, “Wait, what?” On top of that, she used to always want to, and be excited to, help as much as she could at home. Whether it was helping me cook dinner, playing with her sister while I did household chores or unloading the dish washer herself. Now, trying to get her to do ANYTHING “helpful” was a gigantic argument.

Then one day, it just hit me. She’s actually just growing up. Obviously she isn’t anywhere close to being an adult, but her body and mind are preparing to go through some serious changes. She’s testing her boundaries all over again, just to see what she can get away with the older she gets. Frankly, and I don’t think she realizes this yet, but it definitely isn’t much. However, as parents we really do expect so much from them the older they get. But do we ever stop and realize that maybe they aren’t ready to handle all of these changes at once? Especially before we get frustrated with them. Now, I’m not saying all of their reactions are justified. Obviously, there has to be some boundaries set in place. Like while I can merely tolerate the idea of her not wanting to talk to me as much, I will if I have to. (Let’s face it, I’m not the cool mom-friend anymore.) But, I will not tolerate the laziness or lack of help, along with an attitude.

By now you’re probably asking yourself, what did you do to fix these issues? Honestly, I stopped trying to “fix” them and learned to grow from them. The second I stopped trying to control the uncontrollable, the easier parenting became for me. For instance, rather than harping on her to get chores done (which would cause a fight daily), I made a chore chart. Now she knows to check it every day after her homework work is done. This way she can feel more independent, like she’s so desperately craving, but is still doing her part to help out around the house. It’s a win, win. Instead of forcing her to talk to me, like I said I was doing before, I wait for her to come to me. And believe me, she’s become a real chatty cathy again lately. In lieu of getting irritated with her meltdowns, I ignore them and walk away to clear my head. This way we can revisit the subject later with a more open mind. It’s all about balance and understanding.

I am super happy with the progress her and I have made together thus far. Realistically, as time goes on I know there will be other obstacles we will have to face. But for now, I can honestly say I am excited to work through them together and make our mother-daughter relationship even stronger. After all, I need to remain hopeful for her upcoming teenage years. Any advice to prepare myself for that is welcomed with open arms, haha.

XOXO
-Heather